Wednesday, March 18, 2009

Top 10 Things I Learned from Karaoke



Last Friday night, I had my first karaoke experience. It was in a tiny, dimly lit local hot spot below ground somewhere near our train station. I emerged Saturday morning a woman wiser in the ways of karaoke. What follows is a distillation of what I learned in that cozy cellar, dense with cigarette smoke and the haze of musical genius.
 10. A true karaoke pro can fall asleep, wake when his song comes on, sing his heart out, have another drink, and go back to sleep until his next turn.
   9. My friend Karen is very good at playing the tambourine.
   8. Not everyone truly appreciates Johnny Cash.  
   7. It is not physically possible for me to sing bass (which might have made appreciation of Cash challenging). 
   6. The Japanese make some seriously strange videos to play at karaoke bars.
   5. My husband looks very cute when he is channeling Jim Morrison.
   4. One Japanese pop song is an interesting cultural experience. Two is torture.
   3. Beer may not enhance performance, but it sure makes listening easier.
   2. What happens at karaoke does not stay at karaoke. You will be given grief for days and, in most cases, you will deserve it.
And the number one thing I learned from karaoke is…
   1. It is possible to injure yourself clapping (sorry – no additional details available).

Saturday, March 7, 2009

Going for Gold

You may not keep track of such things, but gold teeth generate their share of news. For example, with the economy tanking and the price of gold rising to record levels (it was over $1,000 an ounce in February), the Associated Press reports that people are now raising cash by pawning gold crowns and teeth they apparently have lying around in drawers. Yet, despite people’s growing appreciation for gold teeth, in West Palm Beach, Fla., a man was thrown out of a bar because the manager thought he had too many of them (still in his mouth). Go figure.

A few months before that incident, in what was either a nod of appreciation to the fashion traditions of cannibalistic societies or a sign of over-developed self esteem, the actress Scarlett Johansson marked her boyfriend’s birthday by giving him one of her wisdom teeth, dipped in gold and strung on a necklace. Remember that idea for your special someone, ladies.

Gold teeth are on my mind because I’m about to get one. I won’t be able to give it to Mark because I’ll be using it, but it’s possible I could get kicked out of a bar. It’s happened before, although I was younger and more fun at the time.

In Japan, gold teeth are the norm under dental circumstances like mine. The Japanese are a practical people. Compared to tooth-colored alternatives, gold holds up better, doesn’t stain and even costs less in some cases. As my dentist was explaining the logic of choosing gold, he also acknowledged that his foreign patients never choose gold, so he expected I would want a more natural looking crown, too. Now I was faced with a dilemma.

To be illogical and predictable, two things I find really annoying? Or to place a chunk of gold in my mouth? WWJD – what would Johnny (Depp) do? He’d take the gold tooth, as he did when he accepted the role of Captain Jack Sparrow.  In fact, he took five of them – had gold caps bonded right to his own teeth. After pressure from studio executives, who were concerned about getting the balance between coarse and sexy exactly right, he had three removed for filming. But he kept two – for several years, at least until the third movie was finished. For all I know, he still has them.

Once I have my gold tooth (what can I say, I love Captain Jack), you probably won’t notice it, at least not really. Well, maybe if you make me laugh. Or yawn. More importantly, it’s unlikely that I’ll ever have another problem with that tooth, which was at the root of some excruciating pain, oral surgery, a bone graft and…. Well, I hear you all screaming “TMI” so I’ll stop there and leave you to ponder these immortal words from Benjamin Franklin:  “Early morning hath gold in its mouth.”